MENTAL ILLNESS and the MAGICKAL PATH

I am a manic depressive, and have been diagnosed as such since 1980. I have pursued a magickal path since 1973. For the most part, my magickal studies kept me enthralled and focused as I learned new things discovered new ways to perceive the universe. I learned that I could ‘co-create’ with the gods a reality that I liked and enjoyed, and that both the mundane and the magickal world could be traversed at the same time with a foot in both worlds.

There were times when my reality was shaken from within by depressed thoughts and feelings. I soon learned that these feelings could dominate my moods at times, but that if I rode it out, the feelings would eventually bottom out, and things would then start getting better. I also realized that these depressed times happened again and again, coming in cycles. For many years these periods would not repeat very frequently. Then, one day I realized that there was more to these bouts of depression. I found that I would become obsessive and compulsive, very manically so, followed by an emotional ‘drop’ into deep depression. These periods started lasting longer and became more severe. I went to a psychiatrist in 1980 and was prescribed medication for the first time, though I wondered if there wasn’t a way with my magickal teachings and skills to cope better with these cycles rather than having to be medicated. At any rate, I continued with the medication for several months, but was eventually hospitalized for severe depression; the medication I was taking was not working for me. The doctors who treated me tried other drugs in an attempt to find the ‘right ones’ for me. After I left the hospital I stayed on medication for several months, but had to quit when my insurance benefits ran out. For several years I felt better and resumed my life, i.e. working, dating, and enjoying life and my magickal journeys. Then a cycle hit again about four years later, and I had to check into a hospital and resume taking drugs and undergoing psychotherapy. I even had electric shock treatments, and started a bio-feedback program in order to teach my mind/body how to adjust to the manic-depressive cycles. Then, my insurance ran out again. For the next several years I functioned in society until another cycle hit in 1989, and again in 1990. Each time I tried using my magick, focusing on my spiritual path and the work I believed I was supposed to be doing. Why couldn’t I ‘make it’ without the use of medications?

In 1995 I tried to kill myself by taking sleeping pills chased with whiskey. Instead of dying, I woke up lying in my own vomit, hallucinating and paralyzed. Once more, I ended up in a hospital, taking more medications, this time different ones. In all my bouts I have been on many different medications as doctors tried to find ones suitable for my ‘problem’, which I now know is a chemical imbalance in my brain. Yes, I tried many different drugs, and sometimes I would quit ‘cold turkey’ because I didn’t feel any earth-shaking change within me. But, finally in 1998, I found medications that did work. I wondered about my situation for a long time. I remember reading somewhere that neither magick nor religion can cure disease or neuroses. But I realized that, after two suicide attempts, I was still alive and that maybe the gods had something in store for me. I obviously still have work to do. I have come to realize that proper medication and therapy are tools, not crutches. I use my tools for combating depression the same way a carpenter uses tools to build a house. I incorporate these tools in building my magickal world.

If you suffer from a mental illness it does not make you any less of a witch or a magickian. In fact, the true healers or shamans often had mental conditions. Often the shaman was ‘lacking’ in some aspect of his or her life. They were either blind, deaf, dumb, or mentally ill. Wherever the ‘condition’ manifested, the other facilities the person possessed were accentuated or elevated so that the shaman provided a useful service to the community at large. What I am suggesting is that, for those of us who have certain conditions, we can turn them into useful tools for spiritual growth and a means by which we can help others. Do not be discouraged, and don’t give up. Science (ha!) may catch up with us soon, and, by a simple altering of the natural chemicals in our bodies, cure mental illness quickly and painlessly, and easily. Allow possibilities for healing to come from many places. If you know you have a problem, and you truly are a magickal person, then you will find a way to turn your problem into a solution; the gods have given you the strength, wisdom, and resources to deal with it. SO BE IT!

There are many programs including 12- and 13-step groups for pagans, witches, and other magickal folks seeking recovery and relief, whatever their problem or circumstance. In regards to medications, if you have financial difficulties, there are programs offered by the county in which you live, as well as pharmaceutical companies who will assist in getting you what you need. Remember that there is strength in numbers; reach out to others on the same path. Work your magick with every tool at your disposal.

BLESSED BE

c. CKEVN, 2005.